i can only put up a front of fake confidence for so long. truth is i’m insecure. i’m fat. i’m ugly. not only have i gained almost 20 pounds since august, being used once again by my ex has driven me to realize what i really am - a nieve fatass who won’t know requited love until she makes the EFFORT to become desirable. i’m starting today. i have to try to stay focused all day and it’s gonna be hard but i’m gonna try as hard as i can.
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todays my first meeting with the therapist and i’m seriously so nervous. i dont know what i’m gonna say.
+i binged and purged for the first time in almost a month today and i don’t really know how to feel about it
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This is anorexia.
Being faceless, nameless. Having no identity.
Trapped, barred, no way out.
Every act is tainted with anorexia, every work of your hands is a lie. It’s all for the anorexia.
You are owned by the anorexia. You are claimed. It’s grip is around you, controlling your mind; every waking thought… every sleeping thought… every nightmarish dream.
Everything, everything, everything is confusion. All around. Colors, lights, sounds, allblendingintooneuntilscreamsaretheonlydefinition.
But your face is painted. One color. Flat affect. But you are painted. Painted smile. Painted eyes. Blind eyes. Broken eyes.
No definition.
Existence is only fading into death.
this is so beautiful
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lately i’ve started to get anxiety about eating
it’s not even that i don’t want to eat. it’s just that when the topic comes up, even when it’s totally simple like my parents asking if i want to go out to eat or like a friend wanting to go to Sonic or something, i start to panic. i just feel trapped, i guess. i start thinking about every little thing i could possibly eat and i always think about how i’m just gonna want to throw it up later and i start to feel like i’m gonna have a panic attack over it.
does this happen to anyone else? it only started for me recently and idk if it’s normal or whatever.
+so, i left my old high school a year ago
mostly because the place made me fucking sick. i had horrible social anxiety, i would binge and purge almost every day and, in general, i was just very, very depressed. luckily, i got out of there and now i go to a wonderful school full of support and just alltogether happiness.
however, i am being forced to take drivers ed this week at my old high school. eight hours a day, five days a week for two weeks. today was my first day there. i cried driving there and, once i got there, i just sat and stared at the wall and didn’t speak to anyone and tried to hold it together.
then i went to the bathroom that i haven’t been in in over a year and stared in the mirror and it was like everything just came rushing back. last year, i would spend entire class periods in front of those mirrors, picking out my every flaw. i felt like that all over again today. i hated myself again. my anxiety was back. i wanted to run out of the school right then and there but i couldn’t and i can’t for two weeks.
it’s like all of my anxieties and my fears and everything that is wrong with me is trapped in that school. my parents don’t understand that the reason i don’t want to go is not because i’m trying to be difficult about drivers ed. i don’t want to go because, with no exaggeration, that school makes me want to kill myself.
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